Smart Luck

Marriage is the highest-stakes commitment most of us will ever make in our lives. Twenty-nine years (as of today) of marriage to Lori has prompted me to frequently wipe my brow and thank my lucky stars that we found and committed our lives to each other. It is only with the benefit of hard-won experience over these years that I realize not just how great I have it - but how challenging it could have been had I committed myself to the wrong person.

So what are the stakes? I’ve talked in the past about the power of compounding - both money and knowledge compound as you accumulate them. So too do relationships. Trust compounds. The more two people can trust each other, the easier it gets to trust more deeply. Intimacy compounds. Acceptance compounds - when you know you are truly accepted by someone in all your weird, quirky glory it is incredibly freeing. Imagine how much energy you would have to expend if you felt compelled to hold back certain aspects of yourself.

If you have children together, co-parenting with the right person is paramount. Your offspring are going to adopt some of your spouse’s traits, so make sure they are likely to be positive. Sharing the sheer work of parenting. The energy to engage and play with the child, while getting all of the ordinary household chores completed - chores which have expanded thanks to your new little family member.

So what are the traits of relationships that stand the test of time?

Integrity under pressure. Can your potential partner act with integrity when the pressure is on?

The ability to change your minds. Are you able to express, and then retract views if you or your partner have a change of heart or understanding?

Emotional regulation. Can you and they manage your emotions, or do they often get the best of you? This is not being robotic - it’s feeling things, and processing them without them overwhelming you.

Core values alignment. Money, faith, ambition, lifestyle - if you are not on the same page with these things, there is a real potential to drift apart.

Shared vision for the future. Kids, or not? Where to live. How to manage money. Career priorities. Are you both on the same page?

Healthy conflict. Do you fight fair? Are you able to apologize?

Generosity. Are you both default generous to each other?

How well do they know themselves? Are you both committed to continuous personal growth? Do they own their experience and take responsibility for their own happiness?

Some ways to assess these things in a potential partner:

Observe them under stress. Meet their family and observe that dynamic. Watch how they treat their commitments (to work, to friends, promises made to others).

A silver-bullet test that can help assess all of this: Purchase and build a piece of IKEA furniture together! All will be revealed.

Sunday Supper

We made this Andouille Kale Bean Stew with Cannelini beans instead of Black-eyed peas yesterday. This Honey Mustard Chicken Pasta looks good. How about Bulgogi Sliders w/ Scallion Salsa? (Yes, please.). Salmon Poached in Broth.

Sunday Music

Don Was & The Pan-Detroit Ensemble at the NPR Tiny Desk

Moby Live at KCRW recently.

Gilberto Gil playing samba.

Deep Melodic House Music on Vinyl

Enjoy!

If you know anyone who might like this essay, please share it with them.

Have a great week ahead!  You can do anything you set your mind to. Let me know how I can help.


Peace & Love,