No Redeeming Value
A clip of an interview between Andrew Huberman and his guest Terry Real found its way to me this week.
“If you get one thing from our conversation today and you only get this, this one thing will be enough to change your life and I mean it. Here’s what it is: There is no redeeming value in harshness. Let me say it again: There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better. Be firm, but with love. Not harshness. And that’s you treating others, that’s the way you allow others to treat you and very much, that’s the way you treat you. I am on a anti harshness campaign, and what I say to friends, family, students - and it’s true; at 75, I have a deal with the universe: If it isn’t kind, I’m not interested. And that adaptive child that lives inside me can be very harsh to my own imperfection. And I will say to that, or to Belinda, or to a colleague, ‘You may have something to say to me, and it may be in my interest to learn and listen to you, but you have to say it like you’re on my side. If you can’t say it like you’re on my side, I’m not going to listen.’”
The podcast that the clip comes from is titled “Defining Healthy Masculinity & How To Build It.” I had never encountered Terry Real previously, but now I feel compelled to seek him out in media.
He put it so well: “There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.”
This observation couldn’t be more timely (perhaps it’s even a tad late: “If you can’t say it like you’re on my side, I’m not going to listen.” really speaks to our current moment). So many of us are speaking past each other, ineffective because of how clear it is that we are not on each other’s side.
A couple of year’s ago I looked at America’s stated core values in an attempt at getting more of us on the same page. Whether it is citing Bible verse, or the Declaration of Independence, if the reader decides that that the author is just trying to score points for “the other side,” there is no getting through to them.
But the simple lens of harshness may be a more effective reframe. Please consider embracing Terry’s anti-harshness approach to life.
Sunday Supper Ideas
Pepper Steak Celery Stir-Fry w/ Lemon
Pork Chops with/ Feta, Snap Peas and Mint
Chicken Thighs w/ Asparagus, Radishes and Lemon Vinaigrette
Sunday Music
Infinity Song, also at the NPR Tiny Desk
Irene Ketikidi Live At Piraeus Club Academy
Enjoy!
If you know anyone who might like this essay, please share it with them.
Have a great week ahead! You can do anything you set your mind to. Let me know how I can help.
Peace & Love,